In letzter Zeit mache ich mir wieder mal verstärkt Gedanken darüber, womit ich mein Geld verdiene und meine Lebenszeit verbringe (-n möchte). Darüber, was ich brauche, ablehne, ich glaube zu brauchen…
Ich habe Menschen kennen gelernt, die meinten: „ich arbeite, um Geld zu verdienen und versuche, mir den Arbeitsalltag so angenehm als möglich zu gestalten. Es geht mir weniger um die große Erfüllung als viel mehr um einen sicheren, geregelten Allag…“ Manchmal und verstärkt in den letzten Wochen habe ich mir diesen geregelten Alltag auch wieder herbeigesehnt.
Meist dann, wenn wieder mal eine spontane Absage eines bereits einkalkulierten Projektes herein flatterte. Interessanter Weise habe ich seit geraumer Zeit einen Run in Sachen negativ-Nachrichten. Jobs, die auf einmal flöten gegangen sind – Jobs und Kohle, mit der ich eigentlich fix gerechnet habe. Es gibt Geschichten zu diesen Absagen und natürlich genug persönliches Lernpotential…. aber dieser Schritt, das Lernpotential in allem zu sehen, ist meist der zweite – davor kommen berechtigt-beschissene Gefühlszustände wie Zorn, Wut, Ärger auf…. und darüber mache ich mir auch gerade etliche Gedanken. Über diese Kollegen der emotionalen Seite… aber dazu ein ander Mal.
Tut sich eine Tür zu – tut sich eine andere auf: ein paar Plätzchen freie Zeit zum Beispiel. Zeit zum Durchatmen und Wahrnehmen. Wenn ich mir meine ersten Zeilen durchlese und meinen inneren Blick auf jene Menschen lege, die nicht dieses Luxusproblem haben, sich diese Fragen überhaupt zu stellen, weil sie keine Arbeit finden, eine Familie zu ernähren haben, oder trotz Arbeit in Armut leben… weil sie krank sind, sich nicht bewegen können… wenn ich an Menschen denke, deren Möglichkeitsraum ganz ganz eng ist in Sachen Beschäftigung und entsprechende (finanzielle) Anerkennung…. dann kommt ein Schamgefühl in mir hoch. Reflektiert wie ich bin, denke ich dann an: typisch weißes, gut gebildetes, kinderloses Frau in Mittelschicht – „Problem“… und die Moral aus der Geschicht? Mir von einem „schlechten Gewissen“ Energie nehmen zu lassen bringt niemandem etwas. Außerdem sind sie ja real, meine Gefühle, Bedenken – aber sie sind vorübergehend, veränderlich, beeinflussbar.
Ich kann meinen Gefühlen bewusst im Körper nachfühlen, sie annehmen und dann Erlaubnis erteilen, dass das „Stressige“, das „Raubende“ abfließen kann…
Wo will ich also hin? Erstens einmal in die Dankbarbeit für die vielen schönen Momente und Begegnungen und meinen Möglichkeitsraum… und dann mag ich eigentlich genau da sein, wo ich bin. Und als erwachsener Mensch mag ich auch dafür Verantwortung übernehmen. Denn Verantwortung übernehmen bringt in die Gänge – aktiviert und stärkt.
Mir ist klar geworden, dass das Abarbeiten von Zielen weg führt vom Hier und Jetzt. Das geht schon los, wenn ich z.B. diesen Blogbeitrag schreibe und nicht dabei bin, sondern am „Outcome“ hänge; wenn ich die Wertigkeiten der Tage gewichte in jene, an denen ich z.B. Geld verdiene und jene, an denen scheinbar nichts „Wichtiges“ passiert. Leben bedeutet im Prozess lebendig bleiben. Klar sind Ziele motivierend, wichtig und notwendig. Momente der tiefen Zufriedenheit, die nachhallt finden wir aber nicht in punktuellen Zielen sondern meist dann, wenn wir eine tiefe, liebevolle Beziehung mit uns, unserem Körper,unserem Geist und unserer Seele eingehen; das verlangt eine gehörige Portion Mut und Offenheit, Neugierde und eine Brise Humor – ein Hinlauschen und ein Hinspüren und auch ein sich Zutrauen und Erlauben…..und eine gehörige Portion Vertrauen, gerade dann wenn man unkonventionelle Pfade verlässt.
Es verlangt ein Aushalten und Zulassen von vielem Widersprüchlichen und Unsicherheiten. Kraft erfahre ich gerade dann, wenn ich eben wirklich im Moment bleiben kann, nicht wegdrifte – dann, wenn ich meinen Yoga übe, meditiere, spaziere, in liebevolle Begegnungen bin….. und schließlich dann, wenn ich über mich selbst lache und nachsichtig bin….
Ich wünsche Euch eine gute Zeit,
Shanti
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